The Biker Babes of SG1
by screaminheathen69
Summary: Carter decides to go to Bike Week in Daytona. Vala goes along.
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Carter decides to go to Bike Week in Daytona. Vala goes along.

Notes: I have _no _idea where this came from. But it does sound like fun...

Disclaimer: It's time for the disclaimer song! ...ummm... Does anybody out there know one?

* * *

THE BIKER BABES OF SG-1

By screaminheathen69

* * *

Samantha Carter begged, cajoled, wheedled and even pouted until she got the two weeks leave she wanted. It was coming up on Bike Week in Daytona, and she intended to ride her vintage Indian all the way to Florida to join in the fesivities. She was a bit disappointed when Jack told her he couldn't go, but shrugged and decided to go anyway.

It wasn't like she was incapable of having fun without him, right?

So she got everything arranged, made sure none of her ongoing projects would blow up while she was gone, and got her bike in perfect running order. She was in an irritatingly good mood for the last week leading up to her trip.

Three days before her leave started, she was in her lab fiddling with an Ancient gizmo that SG-12 had found when Vala came in and plopped down in a chair. "Ready to leave, are you?" She was rather bored. Daniel was off in England researching some Ancient thing or other, and Mitchell had gone with Teal'c to try and smooth relations with the Jaffa Council.

Sam grinned. "Yup! Been wanting to go to Bike Week for years."

"And you're going to ride your motorbike all the way down there?" Vala asked. She was an avid fan of 'American Chopper', but for the life of her, she didn't quite get what the appeal of riding around on one of those two wheeled death machines was.

Sam grinned even wider and nodded. "Oh, yeah. It's gonna be great!"

"But it seems, well, unsafe. And I should think that a bug hitting you in the face at seventy miles an hour would be quite painful."

Sam laughed. "It can be dangerous, if you're not careful. But so can pretty much anything else. Look at what we do for a living, for cryin' out loud."

"True. I still don't see the appeal, though."

Sam thought about it for a minute, then looked at her watch. "You have any plans for tonight?"

"'Mythbusters' marathon on the Discovery Channel. Why?"

"I'm off duty at 1700. Why don't you come home with me tonight. I'll take you for a ride, and maybe you can decide if you can see what the appeal is."

Vala cocked her head to one side and quirked an eyebrow. "Can we stop at O'Malley's and for steak and beer?"

"Absolutely."

Vala grinned and jumped up. "You're on. I'll meet you topside at 1700." She barreled out of the lab to go get changed. She did so enjoy getting out of the mountain.

Sam laughed and went back to fiddling. _This oughta be interesting...

* * *

_

By eight o'clock, Vala was sold. And how. "I have _got_ to get me one of these!"

Sam laughed as she pulled into the lot at O'Malley's. "That does tend to be the reaction."

Vala was gushing. "I _so _get it now! The whole 'wind in your face' thing. And the vibration is rather pleasant, too," she said, grinning that huge toothy Vala grin and waggling her eyebrows. Sam blushed, but couldn't really argue the point.

They found a table and placed their order. Sam took a sip of her diet Coke (she was driving, after all), and studied Vala, who was staring longingly out the window at a Harley parked outside. "You really think you'd like to get one?"

"Absolutely! I'm sure I can come up with enough currency to purchase one."

Sam chuckled. "I'm sure you could, but I'm not gonna ask how. Have you gotten your driver's liscence yet?"

Vala shook her head, her smile fading a bit. "I've been studying, and practice driving whenever I get the chance, but Daniel doesn't think I'm quite ready to take the test yet."

"Why's that?"

Vala scrunched up her face. "Err... Well, did you happen to notice the rather large dent on Daniel's car the other day?"

Sam had to force down a laugh. "Your work, I take it?"

"He was _not _a happy camper. I swear that other car was cloaked. Or something."

Sam did laugh now. Daniel loved his car. "It happens. Tell you what, you can practice with me if you want. When the time comes, I'll help you with the motorcycle test."

The huge grin came back. "That would be wonderful! I can't wait to get my own motorbike. I wonder if I can put together enough currency to get one of those 'American Choppers'?"

"One step at a time. Driver's liscence first, biker's liscence second. If you can pilot a Goa'uld cargo ship, I'm reasonably sure you can do this."

They sat and chatted and laughed while they ate, then rode around for a bit longer before heading back to Carter's house. Vala was staying the night and riding back to the base with Sam in the morning.After kicking off their boots and cracking open a bottle of wine, they relaxed in the living room. "So, what is there to do at this 'Bike Week'? I mean, I certainly enjoy riding, but I would think that riding about on a motorbike for a week would get a bit tiresome."

Sam laughed and started filling her in on some of the many places to go and things to do at Bike Week. It took a while. As she wound down, she smiled and gave a little shrug. "And if all that isn't enough, it _is_ Daytona Beach after all. Great place to catch some rays."

Vala sipped her wine, soaking it all in. "Sounds like fun. I believe I shall have to go and see for myself, once I have my own motorbike."

Sam poured herself another glass, an idea forming. "You're not scheduled for any missions for the next two weeks, are you?"

"No, not with the rest of the team off doing their own things. Why?"

"Why don't you come with me? It'd be a long trip on the back of the bike, but I'm sure you'd have a good time."

Vala opened and closed her mouth a couple of times, too surprised to answer right away. She and Sam had become friends over the last few months, but the invitation to go with her on her much anticipated vacation took her completely by surprise. "Really?"

Sam nodded, grinning. "Yup."

"I wouldn't be intruding? I know you've been wanting to take this trip for a long time..."

"If I didn't want you to come, I wouldn't have asked. It'll be more fun with the both of us. And I know how tired you are of being cooped up in the mountain."

Vala rolled her eyes. "You have _no _idea." She thought about it for a minute, then grinned. "I'd love to come. Do you think we can get me clearance?"

"Well, I _do_ know a certain general that owes me a few favors..."

* * *

Two days and several called in favors later, it was time to go. They were leaving straight from the mountain, so Sam rode her Indian to work. She was very nearly late when she got to talking with the two airmen on guard duty that were openly drooling over the classic motorcycle.

The day couldn't seem to go by fast enough. When 1700 hours finally rolled around, Sam practically sprinted to the locker room to get changed. She and Vala caused a bit of a stir as they left, both decked out in their leathers, with Sam on the receiving end of several double-takes. On a whim, she'd dyed her hair a flaming red. She had decided that Lt. Col. Samantha Carter was getting left at the SGC. For the next two weeks, it was just Sam and Vala and whatever adventures they could find.

When they got to the parking lot, they were surprised to find General Landry, Dr. Lam and the rest of SG-1 there. All of them slack-jawed at the sight of the biker babes of SG-1. "What are you guys doing here?" Sam asked, hugging Daniel.

"Well," Mitchell drawled, "how often do you actually go on a vacation that's an actual _vacation_?"

"Right," said Daniel, laughing. "We just wanted to see you off and wish you a good time."

"Indeed," said Teal'c with that little smile of his as Vala jumped up and gave him one of her wrap around hugs.

Carolyn nudged Sam, grinning. "Love the hair."

Sam ran a hand through the bright red tresses. "It's a little brighter than I planned, but I figured what the Hell. Who says blondes have more fun?"

Daniel was studying them. "Umm, you're going to Daytona, right?"

"Yup."

"The one in Florida, right?"

"Is there more than one Daytona Beach?" asked Vala. She was still learning her Earth geography, after all.

"Er, no. But, I was just wondering... Isn't it going be awfully hot riding around down there in all that leather?"

"The thought had occured to us," Sam said dryly. She and Vala dug something out of their jacket pockets.

"See? We've already acquired appropriate clothing." They were both holding up brightly colored scraps of cloth.

Cam squinted. "What is that? Dental floss?"

"No, silly." Vala held one of the scraps up to her chest. "Samantha tells me this is called a 'bikini'. Quite fetching, don't you think?"

Sam and Carolyn were both choking back laughter as Cam and Daniel turned the most interesting shades of red. Teal'c was grinning appreciatively. Landry just rolled his eyes and gave them both a quick hug. "Have fun, the both of you. And try not to get into too much trouble."

Sam giggled as she sat down on the bike. "Trouble, sir? _Us_?"

"Wouldn't dream of it," Vala said, huge grin in place as she climbed into the sidecar Sam had attached to the Indian. She wasn't sure where Carter had come up with it on such short notice, but she appreciated the thoughtfullness of it.

"Go. Shoo," Landry said, making a shooing gesture.

Vala flipped him a sloppy salute. "Yessir! You heard the man, driver. Make with the shooing."

Sam kicked the old bike to life, threw a wave over her shoulder and popped the clutch. They tore out of the lot, Vala waving her arms in the air and screaming 'yahoo!' at the top of her lungs.

As they started walking back into the mountain, Cam grinned. "So, anybody taking any bets on when somebody has to go bail those two out of jail?"

General Landry laughed. "Walter started a pool yesterday. I think it's already up to around three grand."

Daniel quirked a brow. "I think I need to go talk to Walter."

"Me too," said Cam.

"Indeed," said Teal'c.

"You people will bet on anything," said Carolyn, rolling her eyes.

"What are you down for?" asked Cam, shooting her a knowing look.

Carolyn shrugged, sheepishly. "Next Tuesday. Anytime after lunch."

"Nah," said Daniel, pushing the button for level twenty eight. "No way they'll last that long."

"Friday, I believe. Saturday at the latest," said Teal'c.

"Yup," said Cam.

"Twenty dollars says it's not 'til_ after _the weekend," Carolyn said, waving a twenty under Cam's nose.

"You're on."

* * *

Miles down the road, oblivious to the betting going on in their wake, the Daytona bound biker babes of SG-1 relaxed as they left the SGC behind them and reveled in the open road before them. For the next two Ori free weeks, they were simply going to have fun. And oh, what fun they had. But that, well, that is a story for another time.

* * *

_Not necessarily the end..._

_'To thee no star be dark...'_


	2. Chapter the Second

Disclaimer: Wish it was mine, but it so very isn't...

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THE BIKER BABES OF SG-1

By screaminheathen69

* * *

_Chapter the Second_

"Samantha?"

"Yes?"

"What exactly is this 'wet tee-shirt contest' that I keep hearing people speak of?"

Sam started to answer, but caught herself. And grinned an evil little grin. _What the Hell. I'm on vacation._ "Do you have a plain white tee-shirt?"

"Yes, I, umm, borrowed a couple of Daniel's. Why?"

"Go put one on and meet me back here in fifteen minutes."

Vala stood up to go, a confused look on her face. "Oookay, but why?"

"It'll be easier to show you than to explain. Trust me." Vala shrugged and headed off to change. Sam, still grinning that nasty little grin, made her way up to the stage. "Hi. I wanna sign my girlfriend and I up. Our names are Val and Grace..."

* * *

_Short, but sweet... This particular little idea popped into my head and wouldn't go away no matter how many times I shot at it. _

_'To thee no star be dark...'_


	3. Chapter the Third

Disclaimer: It's the disclaimer. 'Nuff said.

* * *

THE BIKER BABES OF SG-1

By screaminheathen69

* * *

_Chapter the Third_

Vala Mal Doran was a happy camper. And why not? She had a pleasant buzz going ( she was developing quite the fondness for tequila), she was on vacation in sunny Florida, and her friendship with Samantha Carter was stronger than ever. She was pretty sure the word 'buddies' applied.

Oh, and the prize money they had just won from the wet tee-shirt contest? That was a bit of all right, too. They were both sitting at a corner table, feet propped up, and Vala was happily counting out the bills into two equal piles. (The prize money was in one dollar bills.) "Samantha?"

"Yes?"

"Are these wet tee-shirt contests a common event at these festivals?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

Vala shoved one of the stacks of cash across the table to Sam. "There you are, two-hundred and fifty dollars. So, there will be more of these contests while we're here?"

Sam started stuffing the bills into her pockets. "Definitely. They tend to be very popular. Go figure."

Vala rested her chin on the table and looked at Sam over her pile of money, eyes twinkling. "You do realise that we could conceivably finance our entire vacation if we entered a few more of these, don't you?"

Sam stopped and stared at Vala for a minute, then started giggling. "We might be able to at that."

Vala grinned. "So, you'd be willing to give it another go? I believe I heard somebody mention a swimsuit competition tomorrow."

Sam shrugged. "Sure. It was kind of fun. Although, if the subject ever comes up around anybody from the SGC, I'll deny it completely."

Vala held up her hands. "Hey, what happens on the motorbike holiday, stays on the motorbike holiday. But, couldn't you just imagine the looks on their faces if they had any idea?"

Sam got a little wide-eyed. She could _so_ picture Daniel and Mitchell getting all bug-eyed and red-faced. And then there was Jack... "Oh, yeah. But I would actually be more worried about the never ending grief we'd take over it. It'd be one bad joke after another. Ad infinitum."

"True. But all we would have to do to shut them up is show them this." She tossed a polaroid on the table. It showed Sam and Vala, wearing their still wet (and _very_ see-through tee-shirts), laughing happily as the dee-jay handed them the prize money.

Sam picked up the picture and tucked it safely away. "I think I'll just put that someplace safe. Maybe in the Pegasus Galaxy."

"You could always send it to that nice Dr. McKay."

Sam snorted, then burst out laughing. "Oh, god, it'd kill him! That's not a bad idea, actually..."

* * *

_'To thee no star be dark...'_


	4. Chapter the Fourth

Disclaimer: I wish it was mine, I wish it was mine, I wish it was mine... Where the Hell is that damn genie?

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THE BIKER BABES OF SG-1

By screaminheathen69

* * *

_Chapter the Fourth_

They hadn't intended to start a brawl. Honest. A guy got a little handsy with Vala, and she put a stop to it. That was really all there was to it. I swear.

Of course, her putting a stop to it involved the use of a certain Jaffa self defense technique she'd learned from Teal'c. She'd learned it well, too. Mr. Grab-Ass (as Vala would later name him ) wound up face down on the floor of the Iron Horse Saloon with a dislocated shoulder and a very bloody (not to mention broken) nose.

His buddies didn't take too kindly to that, and a brawl did therefore ensue.

The police were _not _amused.

So, despite Sam and Vala's pleas that they were simply defending themselves, they found themselves hauled off to jail along with about thirty other inebriated individuals. The officers just shook their heads exasperatedly. "We'll sort it out in the morning."

Morning came. And went. By two-thirty, most of the rest of the people that had been involved in the brawl had either been released or bailed out. Sam and Vala were among the few remaining, in spite of Sam's grudging call to Dr. Lam asking her to send them some bail money. (Carolyn had let out a loud whoop. Seems she won the pool.)

Three o'clock. Four. They were getting a bit irked as they watched the last of the brawlers walk out while they still sat there.

"Oh, come on!" Sam was not a happy camper. "Why are we still here?"

"Because I asked them to hold you until I could get down here to bail you out." Both women's eyes jerked to the cell door. Yup. There stood Jack O'Neill. Sam buried her face in her hands.

"Oh, crap..."

Jack leaned against the bars, all practiced nonchalance. "Sooo... Care to tell me what happened?"

Vala piped right up. "Happy to. When we get back to the hotel, we'll tell you allabout it."

"Nope."

Sam shot Jack the Evil Eye. "Whaddaya mean, nope?"

"I did in fact come here, bail money in hand, to get you out. But, I know you well enough to know that I'll never get the whole story later. Therefore..."

The Evil Eye got deadlier. "Therefore, if we want out, we have to tell you the whole story now, right?"

Jack grinned. "Yup."

"Oh, for cryin' out loud..." Sam sat there and glared daggers at Jack. He just stood there and grinned. He knew he had them both over a barrel.

Vala rolled her eyes. "Oh, fine. It's not that big a deal anyway. You see, it's like this-"

Jack held up a hand. "Just a sec." He dragged a chair over next to the cell and made himself comfy, then waved a hand in a 'go ahead' gesture. "Do go on..."

Vala gave Jack a dry look, then continued in a matter of fact voice. "There was a gentleman that got overly friendly with me. He grabbed me and put his hands on certain portions of my anatomy without my permission. I asked him politely to remove his hands. He refused. I asked him again, this time adding a warning that if he didn't remove his hands from my posterior, I would remove them for him. He still refused. I therefore removed his hands from my person. It was a clear case of self defense."

Jack looked over at Sam, who was nodding. And still giving him the Evil Eye. "That was all there was to it?"

Vala nodded solemnly. "Yes."

"And yet, a brawl. Hmm." Jack pulled a face. "Somehow, for some strange, unfathomable reason, I find myself thinking that there just _has_ to be something more."

Sam and Vala traded looks. _Uh huh_, Jack thought.

"Well," drawled Vala, "I did cause him a _bit _of damage when I, err, removed his hands."

"Damage? As in..."

"She used that neat little trick Teal'c taught us all a while back, sir."

Jack thought about it for a second. Then his eyes widened. "You dislocated the guys shoulder?"

"And broke his nose," Vala said proudly.

"Oh, lord," said Jack, realisation dawning.

"Exactly, sir. His buddies weren't too pleased with the fact that a woman had just kicked their friends ass like that, so..." Sam trailed off, letting Jack get the visual.

"Oh, lord," Jack said again.

"We were doing quite well, actually," Vala said defensively. "Well, that is, until..."

Jack scrunched up his face. "Until..."

"Well, one of the men attacking us sort of went (Vala made a flying motion with her hand) flying into a nearby table," Vala said.

"Which knocked the table over," Sam said.

"And spilled all their beer," added Vala.

Jack ran a hand down his face. "Oh, lord," he said again. "And then there was brawl?"

"And then there was brawl," Sam said.

Jack sat there for a bit, taking it all in. "Okay, fine. I believe you. But there is one question that still needs answering."

Sam sighed. "And that would be?"

"Why, if you wouldn't mind explaining, are the two of you sitting there in red, white and blue bikini bottoms and Daytona P.D. tee-shirts?"

Sam and Vala traded looks again, then shrugged. Vala started. "Well, just before the fight, we had just won another wet tee-shirt contest."

"Wet tee-shirt contest? Wait. Hold it. _Another _wet tee-shirt contest? How many have their been?"

Vala looked over at Sam. "What was that, the fifth?"

"Sixth."

"Sixth. As well as the swimsuit contest. Oh, and there was that... what was it called, Samantha?"

Sam rolled her eyes. "Cole-slaw wrestling."

"Yes, that. That was fun! Anyway-"

Jack waved his hands. "Okay! I got the picture!" Oh, boy, did he have the picture. "Wet tee-shirt contest, I got it. How does this tie into what you two are wearing right now?"

"Well, we wore the bikini bottoms under out tee-shirts, and since we came stright here from the bar, we haven't exactly had the chance to change. As for the Daytona P.D. shirts, well, our own shirts were sort of..."

"Damaged," finished Vala, helpfully.

"Damaged?" said Jack.

"More like ripped off during the fight, actually," said Sam.

Jack's eyes got huge.

"The officers were kind enough to lend us these," said Vala, stretching the tee-shirt out and striking a pose.

"Very stylish," said Jack.

"So, will you get us out of here now, sir?"

Jack shook himself out of the visual that kept playing through his mind. "What? Oh, yeah." He stood up and slid the unlocked cell door open. "You're both free to go. They reviewed the video footage- apparently, there were a _lot _of people taping the contest- and saw that the other guys started it. The charges have been dropped."

Vala jumped up and sprinted out of the cell. Sam walked out at a more sedate pace, studying her former C.O. "You already knew we were free?"

"Yup."

"And still you made us sit in that cell and tell you everything?"

"Yup."

"You are a dead man. Sir."

"Yup. Worth it, though."

Sam glared at him a moment more, then shrugged and walked tiredly after Vala. "I'm gonna go take a shower and catch a nap. There was one more contest that we wanted to enter tonight..."

* * *

_'To thee no star be dark...'_


	5. Chapter the Fifth

Notes: This chapter kicked my butt for a while, but here's the finale at long last. I'm gonna leave most of the details to your imagination. Lord knows my mind started to wonder a bit...

* * *

THE BIKER BABES OF SG-1

By screaminheathen69

* * *

_Chapter the Fifth_

"So," asked Samantha Carter around a mouthful of blue Jell-O, "how much did you win from the pool?"

Dr. Carolyn Lam grinned very smugly indeed. "Forty-two hundred. Plus the extra twenty I won from Col. Mitchell on our little side bet." She took a bite of her salad, somehow managing to chew and smirk at the same time.

"Nice."

"I thought so. Base full of suckers. I love it here." She sighed happily, a goofy grin on her face. "So, how _did_ the rest of your vacation go after your little run in with the law?"

Vala shrugged. "We spent one entire day on the beach."

"I did notice the tan."

Vala struck a pose. "It is quite lovely, isn't it? Anyway, spent a day at the beach, did some more sight-seeing..."

"Drank _way_ too much tequila," Sam cut in.

Vala nodded happily. "I have grown quite fond of that stuff."

Sam quirked a brow. "I noticed."

Vala quirked right back. "I seem to recall that I wasn't drinking alone."

"Peer pressure. I blame peer pressure."

"Uh huh." Vala leaned over to Carolyn conspiratorially. "_She's _the one that introduced me to the stuff, and she says 'peer pressure'. _She's_ the one that entered us into that first contest, and she says 'peer pressure'. _She's_ the one-"

Sam rolled her eyes. "I think she gets the idea, Vala."

"I was just getting to the good part, Gracie."

"Gracie?" asked Carolyn, eyebrows beetled.

"Secret identity," said Sam, matter of factly.

"Oh."

"_Any_way," Vala soldiered on, "the _best_ bit happened on our last day there-"

"And what might that be?" a new voice cut in. Or, actually, an old voice. Not that he'd appreciate being referred to as 'old'. He was still a helluva lot younger than Teal'c, after all. And as far as Jack O'Neill was concerned, you're only as old as you feel. (How old he felt usually depended on just how bad his knees hurt at any given time. Today was one of the good days. Plus there was that 'Simpson's' marathon last night...)

Sam shot Vala a death glare and started talking fast. "Nothing, sir. Not a thing. Nope. She just got caught up in the storytelling. Right? Vala?"

"Absolutely. Nothing to see here, move along." She made a shooing gesture with her hands.

Jack looked at Carolyn. Carolyn looked at Jack. They both looked at Sam and Vala and drawled "Riiiiight..."

Sam shot them both a dirty look, then made a show of checking her watch. "Oh, gee, look at the time. I really should go and do that, uh... thing... that I really need to get done."

Jack smirked. "Uh huh."

"I was gone for two weeks. Do you have any idea how much chaos Dr. Lee can cause in two weeks? I'm gonna need a vacation to recover from fixing the messes that piled up while I was on vacation."

"Uh huh."

Sam rolled her eyes. "Oh, leave me alone. Sir."

Jack held his hands up peaceably. "Okay, fine. Backing off here." He dug a slip of paper out of his pocket and handed it to Vala. "But you two might wanna check this out in private when you get the chance." He walked off with Carolyn in tow, smirking the smirkiest smirk he'd ever smirked.

Vala glanced at the paper, did a double-take, then handed it to Sam. It was a web address. Bike-week-highlights/val&gracie. Sam broke into an instant sweat. "C'mon, we can check this in my lab."

They set a speed record getting from the cafeteria to Sam's lab. In spite of (literally) running over Siler. They were both pretty sure what they were going to see.

They were right. And then some.

A few hours later, Jack popped in. Sam was typing away at her computer. "What'cha doin', Carter?"

_type type tappitytappity _"Working, sir." _taptap tappity type tap_

"Gathered that much. On what, might I ask?"

"It's technical. Sir." _tappity tap_

"When isn't it?" Jack asked good naturedly. "So what is it that has you typing away with the furrowed brow?"

Sam stopped typing and sighed. "A computer virus," she mumbled.

"A what?"

"A computer virus. A very specific, targeted to certain precise items, computer virus."

"Ah. Attempting to edit the 'Adventures of Val & Gracie', are we?"

"Maybe."

Jack managed to hold back the laughter that was bubbling up. "I suppose that might be a good idea. There are certain... items in there that certain high ranking officials might take exception to."

"Hence the virus." Sam went back to typing.

Jack grinned, still holding back the laughter. "Well, I'll leave you to it." He turned to leave. "Guess it's a good thing I downloaded and made copies of all of it. Especially that kissing contest..." He beat a hasty retreat through the door.

The laughter finally broke loose at the sound of Sam's head thunking down onto her keyboard.

* * *

_'To thee no star be dark...'_


	6. Epilogue

Notes: Okay, so I was all done with this fic, but then my muse got all worked up, started in about how I needed to do just one more chapter, et certera, et cetera...

Anyway, here we go again one last time.

* * *

THE BIKER BABES OF SG-1

By screaminheathen69

* * *

_Epilogue_

"Sturgis?" asked General Jack O'Neill, eyebrow quirked.

"Sturgis," answered Lt. Col. Samantha Carter. Smirking.

Jack looked over Sam's shoulder, then back at her. "_All_ of you?"

"All of us." All of them being Sam, Vala, Carolyn Lam and Jennifer Hailey, along with Teyla, Elizabeth Weir, Laura Cadman and Kate Heightmeyer, who were on leave from Atlantis.

Jack studied them for a minute. They stared right back. He scrunched up his face. "Are we going to have to rebuild the town when you're done?"

"Possibly," said Vala, with a big toothy grin.

"You never know," added Sam. Still smirking.

"We will try to restrain ourselves, General O'Neill," Teyla put in.

"Speak for yourself," said Elizabeth. She was _so_ looking forward to this trip. They all were. Between the eight of them, there was a _lot _of steam to blow off. We're talking exploding boiler here. The general consensus, after much wine fueled discussion, was that both the Wraith and the Ori sucked.

"Riiight," Jack drawled. He cocked his head thoughtfully. "How's about I come with?"

The women exchanged glances. "Ummm, maybe not," said Sam.

"Probably not the best idea," said Carolyn.

"And why is that?" Jack asked, a bit indignantly. "I'm fun. Not to mention handy in a fight. Or a brawl," he finished, throwing a meaningful look at Sam and Vala. Vala tried to look innocent. Failed miserably, mind you, but she tried.

"That's true sir, but..." Sam trailed off.

"But? What but? Why is there but?"

"Well, sir, to be honest, we're afraid you might cramp our style." And with that, the laughing group turned and headed off to the elevator, leaving a stunned Jack standing there with his jaw on the floor.

Daniel, who had overheard everything, walked over and stood next to Jack. "You know," he said, deadpan, "If you stand there with your jaw hanging open like that long enough, flies are going to start using your tongue as a landing strip."

Jack shut his mouth with a snap. "Oh, be quiet." He turned and headed toward the cafeteria, dragging Daniel by the arm. "C'mon, you can give me a hand."

"Doing what?"

"Taking up a collection. I figure we're gonna need all the bail money we can get our hands on..."

* * *

_'To thee no star be dark...'_


End file.
